The Game - THEATREclub - Dublin, Produced by Grace Dyas - This is my Experience!

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Power Exchange, Control & Human Rights

Recently on TV3 there was a debate between Laura Lee (Sex Worker activist) and a Lady from Rape Crisis Centre who was also a member of TORL.  The lady from the rape crisis centre was adamant that there was not an equal exchange of power between a sex worker and a client and therefore she was not able to give her full consent.  She also said that sex workers would not report the crime when they were raped, as they did not think people would believe them.  She believed that the client held all the cards and was in control of the sex worker, as he had paid for sexual services.

It is my intention to dispel this myth and shed light on the reality of the situation.  The majority of sex workers are not timid, scared little creatures that feel when they take the money from a client, they are handing over their body and giving consent for another human to do anything they want with it.  The body still belongs to the sex worker and the sex worker is the one saying what can and can not be done, within the time they are together.

I know that many people think the phrase 'time and companionship' is just a cover for what is really just about 'sex', but this is not true.  In fact I would say that today for most sex workers, time and companionship is exactly what they are offering and within that time they dictate what else can happen if they are happy with the person they are with.

So who does have all the cards and the upper hand or is it an equal exchange of power?

Let's look at it from the clients point of view first.  The client gets to look on a directory and choose who he wants to meet.  He then contacts that person.  Can he demand to see them, or does he have to ask them if they are available and able to see them?  Can he demand what time they meet and where they meet, or does he have to ask and perhaps negotiate depending on what is agreeable with the sex worker?

No he can not force a sex worker to meet him.  If the sex worker is like myself and Independent, she/he will be listening to his phone manner and deciding if they would be happy to meet him.  She/he would be listening to what he is saying and deciding if it is something she is comfortable with, or if he sounds like he has respect for sex workers.  After a short conversation it is the sex worker who will say if they are happy to take their business or not, not the client demanding to see them.

The majority of sex workers provide in calls only.  This means that the client needs to travel to them, so they are in an environment that they know and feel safe in.  The client may ask them to travel to his location, but this will often result in a refusal, unless the client can provide some kind of proof that they are known and safe to go to.  Most sex workers will have a network of friends within the business that they can call on to ask for advice on clients.  If a client can not provide information like this, it is rare that a sex worker would put herself at risk.  Alternatively they may ask for information on where they are staying (if a hotel) and check with the hotel that they are who they say they are.

So in both situations the sex worker is in control and the client is having to be compliant with their needs in order to secure the booking.  At this point, who do you think is in control?

Next we have the client who may want certain sexual services.  It is not a God given right or expectation that a client will be able to do what he likes to the sex worker in a sexual way.  She will have a list of activities that she will be comfortable to offer at her discretion, which means if she is not happy to do these things at the time of the booking, she is within her right to refuse.  Why might she do this?  It could be that she has had dental treatment and not willing to take the risk of providing oral without a condom, where she/he may normally do so.  It could be that the client refuses to take a shower and is not clean enough, so the sex worker is not happy for certain intimate acts, or it may be that the client is a smoker etc.  In all cases, the client will need to comply with the sex workers wishes in order to get the service that he is looking for and only the services that she is advertising.  If a client wants me to perform an act that I do not advertise, it will not happen and they need to respect that.

I have had clients phone me and ask me if I will do bareback sex with them.  For those that do not know, that means penetrative sex without a condom.  This is not something that I offer and the majority of sex workers do not offer this as a service.  I will of course say no and I have been offered as much as €1000 for an hour booking to do this.  For me you can not put a price on your health, so again the answer is no and I refuse to meet them or on these grounds accepting that they agree that we do not have sex without a condom, I also refuse oral without a condom, as I am not confident of their sexual practices and they become a higher risk to me.  These are my terms for a booking in this situation and he has to abide by them in order to see me.  If he deviates from these terms, then it is rape and in 6 years of work I have never been raped by a client.

So... what power does the client hold?  If they are agreed to be met by the sex worker and abide by the sex workers conditions he is able to pay for time, companionship and intimacy with a sex worker.  This is by mutual consent, as the sex worker is consenting with conditions.  The client is consenting to those conditions for payment.

Who has the power and control?  The sex worker, as it is the sex worker who lays down the conditions and has the power to agree or disagree to the requests of the client.  They dictate when, where and what will happen and for how much.

Is this the same for all sex workers?  Certainly yes for those that are Independent.  There are sex workers who work through an Agency and the Agency would have some input into when they work, where they work and what is advertised, however at the point when the client is with the sex worker, providing she is not trafficked against her will, she/he will be the one that says what she is happy to do or not do during the booking.  Yes I believe sometimes what is advertised is not always what is offered, as you often here of clients saying that the Escort would not kiss me, but it said on the services she did FK (french kissing) etc.  This could be because he had bad breath, or it could be that it is something written on behalf of the Escort on offer, where she is not comfortable to do it, but she is still within her right to refuse during the book and most would when working of their own free will.

Sex workers in Brothels, do they have the same power exchange?  If anything they have more.  Most brothels in Ireland are not brothels as you would understand them to be, but simply two sex workers working from the same apartment for safety.  The fact that there is another person on the premises means that should anything go wrong, should the client start making demands that the sex worker is not happy about, they can call for help and get the client removed from the premises.  This would likely give the sex worker more confidence to state what they are not compliant with and stay within their boundaries.

With this in mind and the knowledge that the majority of Sex Workers in Ireland and Northern Ireland who work of their own free will are not just having an equal exchange of power with the client, but are holding more power, is it fair or right to suggest that they don't have any control and therefore are not able to give their consent to selling sex?  Personally I find it condescending that someone would automatically assume that I have no other choices, or I must be an alcoholic or be taking drugs to be a sex worker.  I don't know anyone like that, although I'm sure they may be, as there will be in many walks of life, but we are an assortment of people from all different backgrounds and have entered into sex work for lots of different reasons, which is our choice and we are more than capable of giving our full consent, as adults and we should have the right to do so, without interference or judgment by others.

Currently in the South if a sex worker is attacked or raped they are able to contact the Police and report the crime, as it is not against the law to be a sex worker or to buy sex.  It might be that many do not report it, but some definitely do, as I know of a few.  However, in the North of Ireland where it is now a criminal offense to report a crime it is much less likely to be reported, as we need to protect our place of work and this is likely to be where the crime would have taken place.  This in itself is handing over power to people who would already be criminals and disrespecting another persons human rights and the right to say no!  This also means it is harder to detect those that need help and would not be giving their consent, but forced into prostitution.  This in itself takes away our power and control and it is this that will make life harder for those that otherwise had some support, even if not as it should be, as with the New Zealand law of decriminalization.

Article on Sex Workers Rights in New Zealand 

It is hard to believe that people that genuinely care of the welfare of sex workers would advocate a law that takes away their control, that makes their lives harder (alleging that we are all vulnerable) and takes away or reduces the life line that many choose to use to make a better life.

Article on how the Swedish Model on Prostitution Fails

One last point.  The reason why the majority of sex workers are female is not due to men wanting to control women or due to disrespect.  It's because due to nature and the nature of people, women have no problem procuring sex for free, so they don't pay.  Where as men often have to work hard to find a woman to have sex with him and often this is done through deception.  Is it not better to be honest and pay for sexual gratification with someone who has no further expectation than to hunt down women who are emotionally vulnerable in order to engage in sex?

For every man having sex there is a woman.  (Unless they are bi sexual or gay) which never seems to be an issue for anyone.  It is worth remembering that women do have sex out of marriage, or with strangers too, without being Sex Workers, they are just not paying! (Although some do too).  It is unfair to say that men are exploiting women, when many of them would love to get paid to do what we do, they just wouldn't make any money at it.

Food for thought!

Deception, Lies or Forgetful?

We keep getting told that the law is changing to protect the vulnerable.  We're told that it is not about making life harder for the sex worker, who in the eyes of the law is already a victim of rape, even if they do not yet know it themselves, but about reducing demand, therefore criminalising the buyer and decriminalising the sex worker.  Yet... that is not what the actual law change proposes.

Recently discussions were released by the House of the Oireachtas that goes as follows...

(link to page discussed - Discussion)

Minister for Justice and Equality (Deputy Frances Fitzgerald):

 On 27 November, I published the General Scheme of the Criminal Law (Sexual Offences) Bill. The General Scheme includes wide ranging provisions to enhance the protection of children and vulnerable persons from sexual abuse and exploitation. When enacted, the Bill will facilitate full compliance with the criminal law provisions of a number of EU, UN and Council of Europe legal instruments. The Bill will also implement the recommendations of a number of Oireachtas committees, reform the law on incest and update the Sex Offenders Act 2001. In addition, the Bill will provide for new offences of purchasing, in the context of prostitution, sexual services.

Please note there is no addition to show that prostitution has been decriminalized.  She continues to say...

The first is a general offence of purchasing sexual services which carries a penalty of a fine of up to €500 for a first offence and fines of up to €1000 for a second or subsequent offence. The second is the more serious offence of purchasing a sexual service from a trafficked person and carries a potential penalty of up to 5 years imprisonment and/or a fine. In both cases, the person selling the sexual service will not be subject to an offence.

The average sentence for rape in Ireland is between 5 to 7 years, which means that someone who sees sex workers for consensual sex could possibly see themselves serving the same time as another person who picked his victim and deliberately set out to violate and rape a woman.  How is this comparable?  How is this right?


In the last few years there have been several cases of pimps being prosecuted and imprisoned and even they have not served more than 2 years.  How come someone who deliberately sets out to coerce, manipulate and abuse women in their multiples for financial gain is likely/able to have a lesser sentence, than a person who purchases sex from a sex worker who is working of her/his own free will?  It is outrageous and totally unfair to those that are genuinely being raped, tortured and humiliated by those that do not care about consent and take what they want regardless.

A few days ago, I was lay after having a lovely time together with a very lovely disabled client of mine.  We started to talk about the proposed law in the South and the up and coming law in the North of Ireland.  His mood swiftly changed from happy and relaxed to dark and teary, as he recalled an event that took place some 20 years ago.

One evening while working out of the country with a few volunteer friends, they had been waiting for the bus to pick them up.  They had all had a few drinks apart from my friend and as the bus did not turn up, he offered to ferry them all to where they needed to go, but had to do it in stages, as there were more than a car full.  He was coming back to pick up the last person and while she was waiting, she had been attacked and raped.  She was in a mess, inconsolable.  They wanted to take her to the hospital, but she would not hear of it.  They wanted to take her to the Police station, but again, she would not hear of it, as she was so shook up, she just wanted to go home and be safe.

The look in her eyes, the way she was messed up and so utterly distressed has stayed with him all those 20 years, to the point that he can still see it clearly in his mind.  He asked me, 'How can anyone compare me to what that man did?  As he said this he looked at me and I couldn't help but feel heartbroken for him.

This man is one of the sweetest men you could ever wish to meet.  He has a great sense of humour (usually aimed at himself), he is gentle, he makes me want to cuddle him, because I know how hard his life is (not due to the disability), but because he dedicates his life to others.  There is something fucking wrong with this world, when a man like that is compared to a rapist, could be sentenced the same as a rapist.  We live in a sick world, that just seems to be getting sicker!

Sorry, I've gone off on a tangent, but I hope if nothing else, it shows you how passionate I feel about this and about my clients, who are NOT rapists!

Back to the issue at hand.  On April Fools day, it was published ~ click here for full information ~ that aspects of the current law are also being looked at for revision, but this does not include full decriminalisation of sex workers.

I have received submissions in relation to decriminalising persons selling sexual services from the solicitation offence under section 7 and these are receiving consideration within my Department.

Section 11 of the 1993 Act provides for offences relating to brothels. The offence applies to persons keeping or managing or assisting in the management of a brothel. It also applies to a tenant or landlord who knowingly permits the use of the leased/rented premises as a brothel. Section 11 is not directed at individual sellers of sexual services. I have no plans to repeal this section.

In essence it will still be illegal for two Independent sex workers to work together in the same premises for reasons of sanity and safety and they will still be prosecuted if caught working together.

This also means that if a landlord or tenant is made aware that a sex worker is working from their property and they do not move them on, they themselves are committing an offence and are obligated to remove that person (the sex worker) from the premises.  I ask you, how does this show sympathy or support for the sex worker, when in this situation they could be made homeless?

In this regard the law has not changed at all and the general public are being totally misled in two ways.  One they are being made to believe that it is currently illegal to work as a Sex Worker and two they are being led to believe that Sex Workers are at the front of this campaign, along with trafficked and it is our well being at heart, where the reality is, we are still being forced to work on our own, we will ultimately be forced to work underground and lose our contact with the guards, as we need to protect our working environment and anonymity in order to work discretely.  We can not afford to jeopardise our client base and lose clients to exposure and fines.

This also increases our vulnerability, so where Independent sex workers were able to work at least with the knowledge that should something happen they could reach out for help through the right channels and trust the law to help them with any crime committed against them, they simply can not do that without putting their work at risk and their clients.

I put it to you that both Lord Morrow and Frances Fitzgerald do not care a fig about trafficked people into the sex industry, as they are simply making them harder to find.  This is about making an example of people they do not morally approve of and moral judgements like these do not belong in political legislation.  These matters should belong between two people and if they give consent or not.  Laws are already in place to cover those that do not give consent, or are under age, but it seems not enough money, or resources were ever given to uphold these laws, so how on earth are they going to manage with this?

Isn't it about time that politician's were straight with the people that vote for them and call a spade a spade and stop twisting things to sound different to what they are?  Decriminalisation means that all sex workers can work without fear of being made a criminal, regardless of working alone, in pairs or for an Agency.  If that is not what you mean, then why say it?

Here are some reasons why de-criminalisation is the right thing to do ~ Article ~

And more reasons why Frances Fitzgerald, just isn't thinking straight ~ Wendy Lyons Blog ~

On a last note.  My clients are NOT rapists!  They have my full and very real consent to spend time with me and I offer my services gladly.  I am not the only sex worker who feels this way, I am not the minority, I am one of many who would like to continue working in a safe and secure environment, that does not just protect my well being, but those of my clients who do not deserve to be labelled as criminals, or have their world torn apart by public humiliation if discovered with me.  The stigma both ways is a killer and morally wrong.  Morally this is despicable and will help no one!

The first lives lost due to this will be on the hands of Lord Morrow and Frances Fitzgerald and no mistake.  I hope they are ready to live with themselves in that knowledge when the time comes and it will, as Ireland is not Sweden and it won't be able to take the shame or the stigma this law demands.

Sex Workers have no dignity, and sex workers working of their own free will, make it worse for those who don't want to be a sex worker!

Today I watched a debate televised on ITV as below.

In a nutshell, there was some some debate on the idea that sex workers, who worked by choice were responsible for trafficking and had a responsibility to stop, so others were not forced to work against their will and that anyone working as a sex worker, should be pitied or ashamed, regardless of their motive for doing so.  There was a general assumption that sex workers had no other options.

These are the topics that I would like to discuss in this blog.

Does anyone ever work as a sex worker by choice?

Yes of course they do.  It's a job that can be very lucrative, or beneficial in terms of flexibility and hours needed to be worked in order to fulfill financial goals, be that short term or long term.  Those goals may be of immediate need, be it owing money, paying a bill or in some cases wanting to feed a habit, however this pre-conception that for the majority it is to feed an addiction is very wrong and slightly pre-historic.  Since the advent of the internet and ability to work totally independently, many sex workers simply want to take the financial day to day pressures off in a way that disrupts their normal life as little as possible.

Personally I already had a job, but I was falling short around £100 per Month and this was starting to mount up and then one of my pets fell ill and I needed to pay vet bills, to provide the best care I could for her.  I looked at my options and my skill base (I have a University Degree) and although it was something I didn't fully understand or appreciate.  I decided that the sex industry may help me bridge the financial gap.  This started with selling raunchy pictures on a website.  It was a natural progression along with greater understanding and discovering a friend of mine was working that led me to becoming an Escort.

Now... I am a home owner and I could have sold my house.  I had a spare room and I could have rented it out.  I could have looked for another job, but I needed flexibility to be available for my current work, which I did not want to stop at the time, so those were options I was not keen to do.  I thought that I would give it a try and if I am brutally honest, I decided that I would need to go to a swinging club for my own gratification (I had been swinging prior to starting for my own sexual needs), assuming that the work would be very one sided and unsatisfying sexually for myself.  After all, these people were paying to spend time with my body, not me... right?

Of course I was wrong, as clients are not dirty old men with no respect for women as the media would have you believe.  They are not the dregs of the earth, or ugly or any other stereotype given to them by the media and they didn't want to use my body, and walk away without speaking (yes this was the impression I got from the news and papers).  The reality is very different (at least in my experience).  I have mutual enjoyment with people who want to have mental and physical stimulation on an equal level with me (most of the time).  Sometimes it's not quite balanced, some times I don't actually have to do anything, other than enjoy the experience, or be pampered, or just chat and cuddle and laugh.

Clients often dress to impress, they shower before coming over and shower when they get to me.  They sometimes bring me gifts, pay me a little extra, give me books (I like to read), perfume, wine, chocolates etc, etc.  They treat me with respect and as an equal and in return I will do exactly the same to them and our dignity and self respect remains intact, as we know that we are both consenting, willing and happy to be together for that  period of time.  No one is using anyone, no one is abusing anyone and it is a moment of relaxation, enjoyment and often compassion.

So... are sex workers like myself responsible for the misery of others or trafficked women?

Based on the fact that my clients would be mortified if they thought that they were with someone working against their will, if they could see the pain in a girls eyes and were not able to converse with the lady on a level that reassured them, that she was there of her own free will, I would say absolutely not!  The kind of people that would not care if the person they meet is working against their will or not, would not come and see me.  They would not pay my fees, they would not get through the booking process on the phone with me. They would not be interested in keeping within my boundaries and respecting my boundaries,

This means that the majority of clients (in my experience) have no interest in being party to seeing a sex worker who did not give her consent.  Also, consent does not mean she has to be as utterly content with her work as I am.  It simply means it is their choice and they are not being coerced, pushed or driven to work against their will.  It may not be their first choice, but they have weighed up the pros and cons and decided that for them, sex work is the answer and they are comfortable to make that choice.  Through advertising on the internet, they are able to lay down the rules and work within their own comfort zone.  They see clients of an age they are happy to and only do things they are comfortable with.  Independent Escorts don't have to perform any sexual act they don't want to and no still means no! 

One lady said that she was 14 when she started and she was not coerced.  The thing is... she was underage and therefore that is illegal.  Who do you suppose let her down, so that she felt that was the right option for her?  Could it have been her family?  Could it be the system?  Was she in care and being abused?  Sex work is not for children and no woman or man that I have met, would advocate this, or take advantage of it.  We look out for each other and ideally would work in pairs to keep safe, but the law as it stands today does not allow this.

Some Sex Workers don't like what they are doing, so sex work should be banned! 

It's a job like the fire service, the army or being a nurse.  You have to have the right personality, skill base and attitude to be able to do it and enjoy it.  If we were all the same, then how would you ever decide what job to do?  Just because it is a 'specialist' job, does not mean that people that work in the profession can not get fulfillment from their work or be good at it. 

It annoys me when people don't accept difference and how we are not all the same and with any job, you will get people working in jobs that they are not well suited to, that they shouldn't be in, where others excel and do well.  Sex work is no different.  There are many people stuck in jobs they don't want to be in after realising it's not for them.  I have a relative who is an accountant and hates it.  She trained to do the job and has been doing it for decades, but she has been trying to find alternative work for several years now.  Is that not the same as some people stuck in sex work? 

Is it fair to blame those that are best suited to the job, for those that are not?  

People start sex work for many reasons.  Some desire the glamourous idea of Belle De Jour (As in the series shown on TV) Link to Belle De Jour, others see it as a cash cow and many do it because it is the quickest means to money and self preservation.  They may later down the line realise that they are not happy with the reality, or they can't disconnect themselves emotionally, but still need to work and still need the money; but this is no different to many others in other occupations and you may say, that it is different, as they don't need to be intimate, but believe me, things that fuck with your mind, are equally if not more dangerous to a persons health and well being.  

How many working for the bank have committed suicide?  How many nurses and doctors have been abused at work and wish they didn't have to go into work on a daily basis in case it happens again?  How many having joined the army experience horror, loss of limbs or shell shock?  Sex Work does not have the monopoly with people who wish they could change jobs, or those keeping secrets, or those sticking to a job they don't love just for the money.  Millions of people do it every day, but few actually get paid as much, or can afford to work minimum hours for the same financial results, so they don't have to do it too often.  There are many jobs that are psychologically damaging.

 Sex work is just a job!

Despite how you may feel sexually, morally or emotionally, this does not mean it is the same for everyone else faced with sex work as an option.  Sex work does not have to be demeaning, it does not have to represent a lack of dignity or morals.  I hold my head up high because I am not signing on every Week.  I'm paying my own way, I'm contributing to society and my family and I'm paying taxes.  Morally, work is work and I don't call my clients and bring them to me, so I don't carry any of the moral dilemmas they may have with their situation.  I am simply providing a service and when the door closes behind them, they have to live with their choice, as I'm no longer in the equation.  However, spending time with me is one moral judgment they should not be facing, as I give my full consent, as do many others.

When I am not working I am doing the same as most other people, if not more, as I have more free time to achieve my goals.  I have hobbies and studies, I enjoy travelling and cooking, music and films amongst other things.  I have friends and family and lots of outside interests.  I am a 'normal' person.

Most sex workers start before the age of consent 

The lady that started working at 14 suggested that most sex workers start working under the age of consent.  I think I have only ever met one or two that have told me this was the case for them, although I have met many who have started in later life, or due to studies  with further education or to feed their families.  I am friends with a lady who used to work the streets in Dublin over 20 years ago (well retired now) and she says that there were no young girls where she was working and if there had been any, then the other ladies would have helped them out, got them off the street and did what they could to find other avenues of financial support.  As it was, this didn't happen.

Personally I was in my late 30's when I started and I was 31 before I ever had an orgasm.  I was 18 when I first had sex and I was in a relationship, it was not a one night stand or anything like that and I had a relatively happy childhood with a wonderful Mother and Grandparents.  I did not feel in anyway sexually abused, or repressed and it was more a matter of 'nature calling' telling me I needed to make hay while the sun shines that led me to find sexual partners and rediscover my body after 3 years of celibacy.

Of course I believed that I needed to be dating to get this sexual gratification, as again this is what religion and the media would dictate, but nature does not recognise this and I soon discovered that there were people willing to say anything in order to satisfy their urge for sex and this was the closest to feeling a victim I have ever got, where men would tell me what I wanted to hear in order to get me into bed with them and then vanish.  I decided to take control of the situation, as rather than being upset that the man didn't want to date me, I felt frustrated that after being sexually dormant I now was sexually aware and wanting and the person I had selected to satisfy this urge had gone, believing I wanted more.

I wonder how many woman are seduced in this way?  How many are tricked into sex, believing there is more to come, when the other person has no intention of dating or seeing them again?  Surely it would be better that guys in need of sex see a sex worker who knows the score, with it all being open and above board and no expectations beyond the time booked and full consent given?

I decided to take control of my situation and as I couldn't find anyone to date, as finding a life partner is not easy and shouldn't be a matter of 'making do' in order to fulfill sexual urges, I made the decision to become a swinger and indulged in sexual encounters around once a month without the commitment.  It was exactly what I needed and as a woman I was spoilt for choice.  Unfortunately the same options are rarely available to men, which is why they often resort to underhand behaviour.

Sex workers do not deserve the stigma that they receive.  Most do not have addictions, bad habits, lack of self respect, they don't hurt anyone, they don't ruin marriages, or take husbands from their wives.  They are simply doing a job that can help another person in many ways.  For one thing, having a regular sex life can give you up to 10 years longer life span, due to the hormones released (oxytocin) relaxing, de-stressing and feeling of well being generally, by being with someone who makes you feel good about yourself, takes notice and listens.

You only get one shot at life and life is for living.  We all deserve to live our lives the way we want to, as long as we are not directly hurting anyone and their is full consent.  We all have the right to do what we want with our own body and mind and I am happy to be currently working as a sex worker, because for me it is building the steps to my future and a life that I could never achieve without it.  I respect it for what it has given me, the good it has already helped me achieve and I find it incredulous that others dismiss me and the opportunities in front of me due to my job as a sex worker.  

Would I do things differently if I could do it all again?  

Yes I would have been a sex worker a decade earlier and not got into debt with student loans as a mature student.  I wouldn't have had to work 2 part-time jobs that left me sleeping in lectures, when I should have been listening and handing my child over to my Mum to be cared for while I worked for a pittance to make ends meet.  Life would have been a lot easier for everyone concerned and I may have got a better grade had my eyes been open during those lectures, where my body gave up on sitting in the same place for more than 5 minutes in a warm room.  Living on pro-plus to get essays done is not great and not necessary when you can fund yourself with a few hours work here and there as a sex worker.  If only I had not believed the media stereotypes of the type of women that worked in this industry (that I avoided like the plague for many years) and the type of men that would be my clients. 

Will I leave sex work and if so why? 

Yes I will.  I am now in my 40's and I would like to settle down with someone I have fallen in love with.  This job carries with it a lot of secrets and hiding truths from people that you love.  Not because of guilt or embarrassment, but to protect the ones that you love from the stigma and their own ignorance, as they would not understand, in the way that I didn't before I started.  I don't want my partner to have to be looking over his shoulder all the time and wondering if someone has met me as a client, if his family might find out and if that may upset elderly parents etc.  I would like to be able to talk to him about my day at work and do the things that couples do without dealing with other people's prejudices.

Also, having an active brain I have enjoyed studying and would like to put the new skills I am learning to good use.  I feel I have learned a lot about business while being self employed as a sex worker, and I would like to use these skills in my future career.  A career that would allow me to be closer to family and friends and be open again.  I am monogamous by nature, so it would be the natural progression to be monogamous to the man I love, so this is my goal and one that I look forward to reaching. 

Often a job can have a time limit, be a stepping stone if you like.  People grow out of their jobs, they can be a stop gap, or a vocation.  For me sex work was never going to be forever and re-training was always part of the deal for me.  That has no bearing on the significance of the job for me though, or how much I have enjoyed doing it.  I have met some wonderful people, both in the industry and as clients.  I cherish some of the memories I have collated and I have made some firm friends.  However, like all good things, they tend to come to an end and one day I will move on to another chapter of my life.  Likely I will miss it at times, but I have a lot to look forward to with my future, which I hope will be equally exciting and exhilarating.  

Having achieved so much by myself is something I am very proud of and sex work has been largely instrumental in that. I wouldn't be in the position I am in today, with a bright future ahead of me, if I had not been able to turn to sex work.  It has treated me well and served a purpose.  Who has the right to take that option away from others like myself?  What alternative are they going to give them?  Since when has an adult needed to be told what they can do with their body and made to feel responsible for the misery of others for their personal choices?  Sex is not evil, it is not ugly or abuse, it's the union of two people, a form of expression and a joy.  The only things that should really matter here are the words 'consent' and ' safety' and yet they keep getting swept aside in the name of moral crusades and fake figures on trafficked people that can't be supported by real statistics gathered.

Isn't it time we faced facts and stopped looking for trouble?  People do want to be sex workers and people do want to engage with sex workers.  Laws are already in place to cover the criminal side of sexual abuse, so put more time, money and effort into them and leave the rest of us to get on with our lives. 

A Friend in Need, is a Friend Indeed!

Today I want to tell you about a friend of mine.  This is someone I met just over a year and a half a go.  She is younger than me and a larger than life character, with a great sense of humour and you can't help but feel relaxed in her company.  When we met for the first time, I instantly took a liking to her and some how knew that we would be good friends.  Having said that, due to the nature of the job, we have not met in the flesh again since, but now things have changed, I do hope that will change too and we will make time to do that, as good friends are hard to come by.

My friend I shall call Sophie for the sake of this blog, has not been in the best place for the last couple of years and this is her story...

Two years ago while working as an Escort she was attacked and robbed.  She was struggling mentally and emotionally with sex work as a consequence and finding it very difficult to continue working after the attack, but had no choice.  She was terrified!  She was so terrified, she could barely bring herself to sleep while working away from home and was having to use all the will she had to get over her fear of working.

Having heard of Ruhama and the fact that they were there to help sex workers get out of sex work, Sophie decided that she would contact them to see what they could do to help her.  She needed help, as she just couldn't see a way out by herself and she dreamed that they would whisk her away from this awful situation that she had found herself in.

Sophie was nervous, too nervous to ring them on the phone and terrified about speaking to someone outside the sex industry about her job.  Thankfully Ruhama have a website with a contact form on it, so she decided to fill out the form on the website stating her problems she was having and her desperate need to leave the business, as it was affecting her mentally in a bad way.

A few days later she received a reply from Ruhama, but sadly it was a generic reply with information from their website, saying that it sounds like she could do with some counselling and giving her a telephone number to ring to make an appointment.  This brought her straight back to square one, with facing the dilemma of using the telephone to contact a stranger outside of the sex industry who may judge her for what she does.  Sophie could not bring herself to pick up the phone, she just couldn't do it.  Instead she continued to force herself to work.  In the mean time she kept checking her emails to see if there was light at the end of the tunnel, to see if Ruhama had contacted her again, but they never did.

After some time and coming to terms with the fact that she wasn't going to get any help from Ruhama Sophie started job hunting.  Two years passed by and not one single interview had come her way.  She had registered as self-employed and was paying taxes, but being self-employed didn't seem to help with regards to getting a job, as no one was biting.

Again Sophie looked to Ruhama for help and filled out another form on the website.  This time she was delighted to have got a more human response and was given the opportunity to book an appointment via email.  However although she was based in the North of Ireland, she was instructed to go to Dublin in D9 for the appointment and it was in a very busy, well used building.

Ironically Sophie had to organise a tour to Dublin and work to enable her to attend the meeting, as she couldn't afford to get there otherwise.  The Week before the appointment was really bad workwise and she was not making any money.  She had hoped with all her heart to make some money right up to the day before the appointment so she could attend, just one client would have paid for the taxi, but no work came her way.  With a heavy heart she had to cancel the appointment, as she couldn't afford the taxi fare there and back again.

Feeling despondent Sophie decided again to try and get a job herself.  She re-worked her CV several times and still was not even getting an interview for a job, so after 3 more miserable months she tried again to contact Ruhama and booked another appointment.  She had tried to get an appointment with them a bit closer to home, but there was no budging, she would have to go back to Dublin again.

The timing couldn't have been worse.  Again Sophie had to go and work in Dublin to get close by to Ruhama and had hoped to make some money, but this time it was deadly quiet due to an article in the papers exposing raids and sex workers.  Thankfully despite this Sophie had €50 left after paying her expenses, so reluctantly she used the money to get to the appointment knowing that was all she had.  She was so nervous and she found the place not at all discreet and felt like she might as well have a neon sign over her head saying 'hooker'.

Sophie met up with a lady named Sheila Crawley.  She thought she was very nice and went through all the help they can offer her, which included advice with regards to benefits, careers, counselling and also offering massage and reflexology.  Sophie told her about how difficult it was to get out to the appointment and that she didn't live in Dublin and that work had been bad, which meant that she had spent the only money that she had made to come and see her that day.  Consequently Sheila told her she would assign her a Support Worker that would work with her and that they would focus on getting her signed on to benefits, get her some counselling and career advice.

Sophie had gone into the appointment nervous, but hopeful; she left believing that these people can't help, as it was clear that they didn't help people very often and the questions that they were asking her made it evident that they were not accustomed to talking to indoor sex workers and hadn't got a clue as to how they work.

A Week had passed by and Sophie had not heard back from Ruhama or her Support Worker, so she sent them an email asking about it.  Shortly afterwards she received a phone call.  Again the lady sounded lovely on the phone and Sophie explained that she had done some research and had been informed that she was not entitled to benefits, so benefits were not the way forward and again she expressed her determination and need to find a job outside of sex work.  Her Support Worker arranged a meeting with her, but it wouldn't be for a Month to start things off and a few days later she sent her a number for the citizens advice bureau on benefits.

It seemed pointless after that and Sophie felt bewildered.  Sophie didn't want to go onto benefits, but more importantly, she had already done the research and knew that she was not entitled to them and had explained this clearly to the support worker.  Sophie felt exasperated and disappointed, as all they seemed to want to do was to get her on benefits, give her counselling and a massage.  She also couldn't afford another €50 and seven hours on a bus there and back to go to an appointment for them to not offer her the help that she was actually asking for.  She had more important things to spend the little money she was struggling on to pay bills and live.  They didn't even contact her to see if she was okay, she could have been dead for all they cared.

In the mean time Sophie was in touch with another Escort and it was great, as she was able to speak with her and have conversations about work with someone who knew where she was coming from, who was non judgmental and understood what she was going through.  They talked about Sophie wanting out and how long she had been looking for a job and even that she had gone to see Ruhama and that she was being asked to go back to Dublin again and wait another Month, but she wanted out now and she couldn't afford it.  Her friend asked to see her C.V.  and although it took her a while to email it over, eventually she did.  Straight away her friend could see that the format for the CV was way out of date and focusing on the wrong things.  It was an easy adjustment to make, but also vital, as the C.V is how you open doors to getting interviews.  With a little help Sophie was guided as to how to make the changes and adapt each CV to the employer and straight away started applying for jobs.

Sophie was also glad of the emotional support as well as the guidance, just having someone she could off load to and be honest with about what had happened to her and how she feels.

Just a few Weeks later Sophie got news of two interviews, both in the same Week.  Within a Week of the interviews Sophie was offered a job and is now happily working very hard in a normal job.  She had gotten her life sorted out and is starting to feel the happiest she has been in years.  The job she now has is not easy, in fact she's just worked 30+ hours over her first few days, but she wouldn't swap it for the world and as her friend, that makes me so very proud and happy and it also makes me so angry and frustrated that Ruhama were not there for her and couldn't do something as basic as a simple CV.

Sophie feels that Ruhama don't have any idea about indoor sex work, which is the now the majority of sex workers working in both Ireland and Northern Ireland, with only a tiny percentage still working outside.  They need to realise it's very difficult for touring Escorts to be in Dublin to go to D9 for an appointment and the costs incurred, especially when work is difficult, as in her case where she was attacked and robbed and actually afraid to work.  Ireland does not start and end with D9 and there are 32 other counties out there.

Sophie would hate to think if someone who was trafficked, how they would be able to get the help they needed, with the service being so inflexible.  How exactly do they help them?

Now the official bit.

In the Official (Hansard) document dated 9th January 2014 - Committee for Justice - Human Trafficking and Exploitation (Further Provisions and Support for Victims) Bill: Ruhama

Ms Geraldine Rowley of Ruhama states that:

'When Ruhama was set up 25 years ago, prostitution was predominantly based in the major urban regions such as Belfast, Dublin, Galway, Cork and Limerick on the island of Ireland.  However, over the years, particularly over the past decade, we have seen huge increase in prostitution.  Because of the internet and because of less border control across Europe and on our own island, we have seen huge mobility in the sex trade.  Due to that - our figures show this - the majority of women we have worked with in our services over the past number of years are foreign women who come from countries in eastern Europe, South America and Africa.  It is very mobile, so we work with women who are located in and have been moved around Northern Ireland, and we have worked with victims of trafficking who were based in Northern Ireland.'

So... they are fully aware that sex workers today are mobile and they are not all in Dublin and that many are up in Northern Ireland and yet here Sophie is being given no help within her region, but is being told she has to go to Dublin to seek help and this is something she could not afford, which they were also aware of.  How exactly are they helping these people if this is their normal response?

Ms Geraldine Rowley continues to say...

'Last year, we worked with 170 women in casework.  Overall, we worked with 258 women.'

I am wondering if Sophie was classed as one of the 170, or one of the 258?  Either way, they did nothing for her other than to cost her money, time and frustration.  She was forced to work a whole Week in Dublin to secure that €50 in order to reach their office.  When they were told of her plight they assigned her a support worker, who also ultimately wanted her to go to Dublin at her own expense.  Not one euro of the funding that they get was offered her, so that she would not have to work in order to see them, despite them knowing that is what she was having to do to get there.

Further more Ms Rowley says...

'We provide a lot of face-to-face work.  That is time-consuming.  We also give support over the phone to women.  If they are still involved in prostitution, they may not be able to travel to Dublin, so we try to help women to access their services locally in the community, wherever they are.'

I think the word 'try' is the most appropriate here.  In Sophie's case they were suggesting she should go to the Citizen's Advice Bureau, which I'm sure she would have done herself if it had been the right place to go.  They say they give job advice, but none was actually offered unless she went over to Dublin for a 3rd trip.  They may 'try' to help, but they don't have the skill base and knowledge in which do so and that is the problem.  They can't actually help most Sex Workers, as they are not geared up to work with today's sex worker.

In 2012, which is the year when Sophie first went for help and had that awful experience where she could  not afford to make the appointment due to lack of work and funds, Ruhama had income of €602,284 of which €599,560 was used on administration fees.  Can someone please explain to me how any business can spend that amount of money on administration fees in one year?  Do they not have anyone to make sure they are paying the best possible prices and using the money given to them effectively so it reaches those that need it and not lines the pockets of others?  I find this alone outrageous!  No wonder they couldn't offer Sophie any help with transportation, or send someone over to her.

If Sophie is a typical case, then how many people approaching Ruhama actually get the help they need?  How many fall along the way side and find themselves stuck in a situation that is eating them up inside?  How many of them reach despair and end up taking their own lives or living a life not worth living?  Yes there are people who need help out there.  I am not disputing that, but I do dispute if they are getting the help they need and indeed if Ruhama are the people to give it to them.  Would it not be better if there were Sex Workers actually involved or ex Sex Workers, who have a much better understanding of the conditions, the job and the problems involved?  Women who are intelligent, skilled and more able to help?  Women with a clear understanding, who are not looking to rid the streets of prostitution, but make it a better place to exist or exit from according to their needs.

Is this not money going down the drain where quite possibly the majority of those that reach out for help are not heard or seen, because of their inflexibility and inability to hear what people really need?  So many assumptions being made, so much political involvement that leads to bias and distrust for all concerned.  In my mind a body set up to help prostitutes should not show any bias, they should not show contempt for the people they are meant to be helping, they should purely show support and give it as best possible.  They should grow with the trends and adapt.  They should listen and learn and provide.  I don't see Ruhama doing any of that, but they are certainly spending money and doing an awful lot of political campaigning, which in turn alienates them from the very people they claim to help.

Will this new law help those that need help the most?  No!  So why do Ruhama want it so bad? Who exactly will gain from this legislation?  I'll leave it there for you to decide for yourself.

Thank you Sophie for sharing your story with me and I wish you all the best in your new life where you now feel safe and secure and for the first time in years... Happy! 

Addition* I've recently come across this link, which was written by an American lady, but so many parallels I felt it was worth adding, as we are in total agreement, that Sex Workers are part of the solution and not the problem, when it comes to trafficked women.

http://chronicles.kinketc.com/sex-industry-survivor-speaks/