Mortality

I'm not sure what to say, which is a first.  Life is hectic as usual.  I don't think I would be me if I wasn't pushing things to the limit and never quite managing to fit everything in that I want. I do often feel like a lappy dog who is happily chasing his tail, that is until he get's a bit tired and gets bored of it, although unlike the dog, I can't just go and eat dog biscuits or go for a walk as a change of scene.

Mortality!  Why have I given this blog the title of mortality?  Well, I think it is because I am acutely aware that entering the third phase of my life, all of a sudden this is a subject close to my heart.  Until even 5 years ago, I didn't know anyone who had died or had the 'C' word.  I wish I could say the same of today.  Until recently I had 2 relatives through marriage have it (both survived touch wood) 2 brothers, both of which I knew and one of which was a dear friend of mine during my teenage years have lost their lives through it and their sister, an even closer friend is currently battling and losing against it.  Now I'm faced with my 2nd visit in the space of 2 years to the local hospice, but this time it is for a close family member.  It may be the last time that I see them and if I'm honest, I'm not sure I want to go at all, but my Mum needs my support and I will give it like the dutiful daughter I'd like to think that I am.

I find myself greaving for the memories of my childhood.  Despite having one of the crappiest non participating Father's I had the most wonderful childhood and this family member was a big part of this for me.  Saying goodbye to her feels like closing a door I'm not willing to close and I know that is selfish, but it is the way I feel.  Then there is my Mum.  My Mum is older than the person suffering as we speak and that scares the life out of me, because for all her faults I don't know what I would do without her.  How could I not love and need her when I look at her and see myself.  All her funny accentric ways, the way she gets away with murder and makes me laugh with her naughty dry wit.  She can act like a spoilt brat at times, but she never holds a grudge and what happened yesterday, generally stays there and doesn't run through to tomorrow.

In truth I could probably do with a hug and a tender touch, someone to reassure me that it's ok and that I'm not on my own, but it's not going to happen.  I've been on my own so long now I can't imagine it being any other way and quite frankly I'm probably instigating the situation I am in far more than I realise.  I'm good at pushing people away when they get too close.  Anyone out there worried that they might get too close to their Escort and fall in love, don't worry about that with me, as I just won't let you.  You can feel adored, cared for, desired, lusted after but never feel pressured to be part of my life, I mean the real life.  If I thought you did I would likely run a mile.

Now, while this is all going on and I'm dealing with MOT's, road tax, Insurance, travel, hotels, running my online business etc, I'm also getting texts, calls and emails off gents that are showing an interest to meet.  These can be interesting and distracting and often in a good way, but... when they deviate and start getting sexual, then I have to admit I find myself switching off and sometimes I get angry.  Don't these people realise that we are not Escorts 24/7?  That we have things in our lives to deal with other than massaging their ego's and sexual desires?  I don't understand why they can't just book, like everyone else and when we meet, we have a great time, because I have the right hat on and am just as happy to forget my reality as they are theres.  I would really appreciate it if maybe you could think twice before texting or calling and ask yourself if it is important to the booking that is going to actually happen and if it isn't put the phone down, if it is, can it wait?  Is it important or would a post/email be better, that would allow me to pick it up when it is convenient and a time when it is convenient.

So... tomorrow is going to be a difficult day for me and not one that I am relishing.  I'm glad that I am home to do it though, as then I can try and put it behind me when I go to London on Monday.  I'm supposed to have 3 bookings when I get there, but I don't think that is going to happen now.  Only one of them is a regular and one I am confident will turn up as orgnised.  The other two?  One of them has told me he can't make the time now and the other one just went quiet after I told him I was driving and could not text.  I'm wondering if he would have preferred me to crash the car or worse, hurt someone while trying to communicate with him? I hope he does understand that I was trying to abide by the law and not hurt anyone.  Unfortunately some men do seem to equate replying instantly with eagerness and anything less is lacking.  With me that is not the case at all, but it does have to be the right time and place.

Looks like I will be hugging my wishbone pillow again tonight.

Kate x