Why I Subject Myself Daily to Abuse and Violence?

 

Okay, well that isn’t exactly the case, but according to Ruhama, TORL and Lord Morrow of Northern Ireland, that is exactly what I am doing.  You see, I work as a Sex Worker.  I’ve been doing it now for around 3 years.  Admittedly to start with it was just a bit here and there, to make up the short fall in my wages, but I soon realised that it was a career choice that suited me and meant that I could pay off some debts that had been hanging over me for quite some time, after graduating with a Degree from University as a mature student.

If I am honest, I wish I had discovered this option when I first split up with my ex-husband and decided that I wanted to continue with my education, but like most people I was so wrapped up in the media opinion of ‘prostitutes’ and the kind of men that went to visit them, I would likely have let hell freeze over before considering it back then.  Like most regular people, I had this image in my mind that ‘hookers’ were druggies, likely alcohol dependent, wore dirty knickers, no self-respect and two steps up from the gutter.   I didn’t really buy the ‘Belle de Jour’ image portrayed by some novelists, as it wasn’t really within the realms of my life.  I knew no one who had that kind of money and assumed most didn’t.

Then of course you have accounts of Jack the Ripper, who condemned street workers to punishing deaths, for being so lowly and disgusting.  Even ‘Pretty Woman’ was ‘saved’ from her life of prostitution, because there was always a better life for someone working in this way.  It was never portrayed as a regular career choice, but either mega bucks greedy ‘untouchable’ women or last resort, addiction dependent.

On the other side of the fence we have our men.  Let’s face it; they were not up to much either.  They would come under the category of misogynistic, desperate or dirty old men.  Yes I had assumed this from the media exposure I had seen prior to my real experience.  I had expected to get zero sexual satisfaction myself, be the eternal giver and have to use bucket loads of lube, for my unresponsive body to these disasters of men, who had no idea or inclination to satisfy my needs.

With this in mind, you might wonder what motivated me to start in the first place.  Well, I had been enjoying the delights of life as a single female swinger and had come to realise how much better my life was with sex in it.  I had been celibate for 3 years prior to this and had no intention of ever going back that way, but at the same time, was not looking to form a bond with anyone, as my son was my most important responsibility and I didn’t want him to have a succession of Uncles while he was growing up.  I had 3 short relationships after I had split up with his Dad, none of which were ever going to work and realised I could not trust my judgement, which is why I was celibate for three years.

Having finally broken the spell of self-denial, I came to realise just how important being close to someone was to me.  I needed the contact, to be cuddled, kissed, made to feel special, even just for an hour or two and it made my life so much more complete and manageable.  Although I was working, I wasn’t quite earning enough to cover all my expenses and it was getting to the point where I was not sure if I would be able to pay my mortgage, so I naturally started to look for a job that would top up my normal wage, which was spasmodic, due to the nature of my work and had to fit in with my availability.

After discounting all the normal options to me for various reasons, a little voice in my head reminded me that it had been suggested by various swinging friends that I should consider sex work and that I would be very good at it.  At the time I took it as an insult, as I didn’t see myself as one of the stereo types in my mind.  I wasn’t a slutty person, or provocative in that way.  In fact I held a job that is highly respected within the community and had worked hard to get there, but here I was not being able to get away from the fact that I was skilled when it came to sex.  I had been on a sexual journey over the last few years that had taken me from having my first orgasm at the age of 31, to knowing my body inside out and how the male body ticks too.  I was very open minded, although I knew my own boundaries and knew that I could deliver a very good service.

I didn’t expect to enjoy it in the way I had been enjoying swinging, as I had got used to being able to pick the cream of the crop, while attending a club.  I could pretty much have any man I wanted and not just one, but 2 or 3 at the same time.  I had gone from not being able to orgasm with a man unless I used a toy, to having a very responsive body that also gushed and gave me multiple orgasms.  Sexually I was at my peak, but did put it down to the selection process, that I was in full command of.  I had considered that I would still need to swing to get my personal gratification, but should get some pleasure from Escorting on a good day.

I can tell you categorically that I was very, very wrong and I blame the media and yes, maybe even religion for my mind set.  In the last 3 years I have attended a swinging club twice and both times were to accompany a male friend who wanted to go and on both occasions I did not play, because I didn’t need or want to.  I was happy to just chat, as I am 100% sexually fulfilled through my work.  My life has changed so much for the better since I started working, it is hard to comprehend.

The men that I meet are not monsters, rapists, misogynistic haters of women and abusive.  Yes you will always get some that don’t actually like women, but they tend to steer clear of me, or I catch them at the point of contact and dismiss them before meeting them.  The beauty of working for yourself is that you are the first point of contact with the client.  You talk to them on the phone and if they start the conversation with, ‘How much?’ or ‘When are you open?’ Then I am free to say, I’m sorry, but I’m not available and then make a note not to answer that number again. 

I offer a girlfriend experience and that is exactly what my clients are looking for.  They want to kiss, cuddle and have a little chatter and intimacy with someone who is enjoying their company.  They are often givers, rather than takers and want to please.  It might be that they are in experienced and willing students, they may be going through a divorce and missing their ex, not ready to move on to someone else, but at the same time craving the intimacy that they have lost, they may be disabled and have never had the chance to be intimate before, or just unable to get out and be found, by someone that would love them.  They may be in a loving relationship, that does not include love making and for whatever reason their partner is not able or interested to fulfil their needs sexually, while still fulfilling their needs mentally.  Do you give all that away and ruin the other person’s life because the sex is missing, or is it better to discretely have your needs fulfilled by a sex worker?  Better than being a player, one night stands or forcing your partner with intimacy that they don’t want?

Only yesterday I met a client for the second time.  It was over a year since our last time together.  We had quite an explosive time intimately, as we connect in every way.  Afterwards we re-capped on his life since we last met.  He reminded me that he had recently split up with his partner the last time we met.  He was devastated at that time.  He had lost his job and had not handled it well.  While he was falling apart and needing her support, she decided she couldn’t support this man who was no longer her rock and left him in the midst of his anguish.  A year on and he still had not got over her and the pain was still raw for him.  It transpired that I was the same birth sign as his ex-partner, we have similar characteristics in many ways and I likely felt attracted to him for exactly the same reasons she did, as when we were intimate, he was a very confident lover and our bodies and minds connected very naturally.

He said that he had only seen one other woman since our last encounter (of this nature).  He had come across other women that were beautiful inside and out, in his normal life and he could have started something with them, but he can’t move on, until he has got this other relationship out of his system and he doesn’t want to use a woman as a ‘stop gap’ while he mends his broken heart.  This man is a business man; yes he soon got himself another job.  He was clean, shaven, articulate, intelligent and while we were intimate, loving, giving and responsive.  I had a few orgasms from his skilled loving and gave myself willing and completely, physically and mentally.

You may say, this is a one off and it can’t possibly be like that all the time.  No it’s not, because every individual is exactly that.  Each experience is new and unique to me and that person.  I can tell you though, that most of my experiences are full of laughter, fulfilment, chatter and mutual intimacy enjoyed by both of us.  I often find myself in the role of lover, counsellor, teacher, friend and confidant.

What do I get from being a Sex Worker? I get huge amounts of job satisfaction; I get the intimacy I need to make myself feel whole.  I get to know when I have made my clients happy or helped them make life changing decisions.  For instance, I met a businessman from London who had been single for several years and celibate prior to meeting me.  After 3 visits, he had finally got the confidence in himself to notice when I woman was attracted to him and started dating.  He had told me prior to meeting me, he didn’t see himself as a sexual being and had no idea if a lady was interested or not.  I had opened his eyes and given him the confidence to know he could satisfy a woman sexually.

Another time I got a call from a friend of a client I had met just the once and he thanked me for making three men very happy.  They had been mourning the loss of a relative/friend and had all been very low from the experience.  Apparently the chap that I had met had lifted a little out of his cloud after our time together and went on to be a little more playful with his friends.  The ice was broken and laughter had entered back into their lives.  Of course they were still mourning and the loss will not be forgotten, but the cloud had passed by and I was so pleased to hear that I had contributed to that.  It made me cry when he told me, because to me, that is the most wonderful thing I can do as a person.  I admit that I felt proud and happy to be in a position where I can do that and I’m welling up a little now just recounting the discussion.

I could go on with the various examples of how what I do changes people’s lives, makes them stronger, happier and more confident and enables them to move on with their lives.  I love my job!  Yet at the same time I’m forced to hate it, because of the deception that Society pushes on me, the media, people like Ruhama and TORL.  People who twist the most beautiful thing we have as human beings into something nasty, vulgar, violent and abusive.  People who can’t accept that we are sexual human beings, we are designed to be intimate and as we are not all lucky enough to be in happy fulfilled relationships, sometimes we need to seek others who are happy to share that with us, until the time we do meet the right person.

The down side of this and of course there is always a down side.  I am not walking around with rose tinted glasses, is the problem of trafficking.  No one deserves to be forced into intimacy with others.  It should always be honest, open and above board between two consenting adults.  It has been suggested that in choosing this career I am partly to blame for trafficking, as while Sex Workers exist, there will always be people trafficked.  I guess the same could be said of the hospitality industry, which is also very highly trafficked, maybe even the Magdalene Laundries, comes into this, as the largest trafficked organisation which was government funded?  Which incidentally has close ties with Ruhama and some of their figure heads?  It is quite shocking to acknowledge that these people are involved in attempting to introduce the Swedish Model to Ireland to prevent trafficking.  In the same way they won’t apologies for their involvement with trafficking.  They have little or no genuine interest in trafficked women here either, but a moralistic view that Sex Work is wrong and should be abolished.  Incredibly hypocritical!

 

Children as young as 9 were sent to the laundries, working around the clock for no pay, no education and sometimes ladies sent there never came out alive.

 

As I am genuinely interested and do care about this subject, I have done some research.  I mostly work in Ireland/N.Ireland these days, so I took it upon myself to find out the true figures of trafficking since I have been working.  The year before I started in 2000 there were 46 cases of trafficked women coerced into Sex work and 17 children (no age given).  By 2011, which is the first year that I worked in Ireland it had reduced to 22 women and 7 children.  Although the figures are not confirmed the estimate for 2012 are less again for women and 7 again for children.  Where I respect this is not a zero figure, it is greatly reduced and would suggest that the Police/Guardai had a firm grip on the situation.  In fact they are to be commended for their work in reducing the figures.

Having had my ear to the ground since being in Ireland I know of several operations and raids on Escort accommodation where they have been looking for trafficked women, so the police have been putting in time and money to make sure that no stone goes uncovered, which means this reduction cannot be put down to apathy or lack of trying.   There is a system where both clients and Escorts can report any women they feel may be trafficked anonymously and currently the Guardai have a good relationship with Escorts, who are able to go to them if they have a problem or encounter violence etc., without fear of losing work or getting into trouble.

I’m struggling to understand why there is a need to adopt a model that is not working into Ireland?  Why destroy the lives of the Escorts who are working in relative safety, behind closed doors and fulfilling the needs of men that are not being met the conventional way?  Who is really going to benefit from this?  Can Ireland afford to bring in legislation and criminalize decent men, pulling resources away from continued good work, sorting out the real minimal problem of ‘trafficking’?

Here comes the flip side of criminalizing clients.  Would I continue working if this happens?  Yes I think I would.  It will make my life harder, there is no doubt about that, but I have goals and I’m not there yet.  I’m still enjoying my work, it’s still earning me the money that I need to fulfil my targets in future life and for the moment I see no reason to stop.  I have plans for a career change in 2 or 3 years’ time.  Not because I don’t enjoy my work, but I think a bit like footballers and jobs that acquire a certain amount of stamina, I don’t want to continue until I burn out or become undesirable.  I want to be able to tell my family and friends about my work and the deception is my biggest bug bear, but for the moment, I can push that to the side, because the work itself is giving me everything I need in life and enabling me to prepare for the future. 

I don’t like the idea that the clients I see may get a criminal record, but it would be their decision to come and see me and take that risk.  I don’t feel me continuing to work, is putting the responsibility on to me, as if we all stopped, the urge would not go, these men would not just stop needing intimacy, but seek it elsewhere.  Likely taking advantage of drunken women, one night stands, unprotected sex and God knows what else.  It wouldn’t be a pretty picture and I believe the outcome would be much worse than accepting some men pay for sex.  Please do check the abortion figures, because they are about to rocket with the introduction of the Swedish model.  Perhaps check the figures of the single parent in Sweden over the last decade?  You may be surprised and don’t forget that also means social welfare.  Can Ireland afford to support the up rise of single parents, let alone enforce a new law criminalising men with so many Gardai jobs and stations about to be abolished?

Then there is the issue of STI’s.  Most Escorts are very meticulous about their health and do not take undue risks.  They use condoms and have regular health checks.  It had been said that one of the problems in Sweden with current Sex Workers is in order to avoid their clients being criminalized they don’t carry condoms, as this is used as evidence against the client.  This means there is now more bare back sex and consequently, there has been a rise in abortions and STI’s.

With every action there is a consequence.  I am wondering if Lord Morrow, TORL and Ruhama have really thought this through.  They may not like that some women are happy to sell their time and skills, but it is a far better thing than the alternative and as long as it is consensual and behind closed doors, then the benefits far outweigh the negatives.

In short, I do not entertain misogynistic behaviour, abuse, violence or rape.  I do not appreciate someone who does not know me or my clients telling me what my life is like.  I am not a Sex Worker to feed a habit or addiction or because I have no other choice, but because it’s a job that I’m good at, I enjoy and am skilled at.