Guilty Secret

I'm feeling a tad miserable this morning.

I had a lovely gentleman call me yesterday and book me for two hours this morning for an incall.  Unfortunately I had to cancel and I'm feeling so many emotions you wouldn't believe.

Guilt - I feel guilty for not being able to cancel until just over half an hour before the booking, despite him having sent me a confirmation text over an hour before.

Guilt - I feel guilty for having this secret life that my son knows nothing about and having to act like everything is normal, when really I'm annoyed that he hasn't gone to college this morning and didn't know why it was important for me to know.

Frustration- I feel frustrated that I have let someone down and it is totally out of my hands.  I'm here, the house has been tidied and I was looking forward to the booking.

Disappointment - For a two hour booking I would have got £230.  At this time of year with Christmas around the corner, I was really looking forward to the money and ironically I wanted to buy some things for my son with the money and put the rest in the bank.  I guess I made the mistake of mentally spending the money before I had got it, but at this time of year, with added heating bills etc, it just doesn't go as far as you would like it to and as I only have a few working hours available to me, I am not one of those escorts with lots of money at my finger tips.

Secrets - I hate keeping secrets.  I hate that although I love the escorting that I do, in order to continue doing it I have to keep it a secret.  I can't tell my son that I need the house for work.  It's not because I'm embarrassed about what I do, but because I don't want him to suffer from any back lash that he might be subjected to should anyone else find out about it, the fact that his Gran would probably not talk to me if she found out, the fact that it would change everything and not for the better.  He is the most important person in my life and I love him deeply and the idea of blowing his world out of the water hurts. 

Concerned - I'm concerned that the client will think badly of me and assume that I had just got a better offer or had handled the situation badly.  I really couldn't have told them any sooner, as I was not aware.  I hate the fact that my reputation as a reliable person may be in question.  This is the second time in 12 months that I have had to cancel, which I don't think is too bad a record, but as someone who cares, it still grates on me.

Sad - I hate the fact that I don't feel in control.  I wish life could be a little easier.

I don't know if the client is likely to read this or not, but I am really sorry and not just because I needed the money.  I know you were looking forward to meeting me and I know I gave you very little notice, but there really was nothing I could do about it.

I imagine this blog is likely to put some people off.  It's not exactly bright and cheery and there is no one to blame in this situation, but the situation itself.  It's not about being forced to do escorting, even though I admit, I started because I needed the money.  I happen to really enjoy the work and have found it to be a very enjoyable way to put things right, it's just me being me, worrying about other people, wanting to be understood, wanting to be perfect and not managing it and I guess having to deal with a rubbish situation on my own again.  You know what they say, 'A problem shared is a problem halved', so I'm sharing this with you, in the hope it will make me feel better.

What can I say other than, SORRY x