Affairs of the heart

I'm lying in my bed at 6.21am with tear stained face.  I don't really know exactly why I have been crying or why my heart is hurting or why I feel quite so miserable right now, but I do.  There are times when Escorting is the best job in the world and I feel on top of the world.  I feel empowered, adored, sexy, confident and many other wonderful feelings, but then there is also the down side.  Sometimes you connect with someone and you get a little bit of what I suppose would be someone elses normality, as in tenderness, you don't want the booking to end, you connect mentally and when they touch you it makes you heart miss a beat. 

There was a time before I started Escorting that I would not see anyone who was married, even though I was Swinging at the time.  I used to call it self preservation, but also out of respect for their partners.  Oddly now that I am Escorting I find that actually it is better to meet with married men, because they have something to lose should they fall for you and keep things in perspective.  It's easier to keep the boundaries and even though sometimes I might think to myself, 'if things were different' or he is exactly the type I'd like to settle with one day, it doesn't cross the line.

However the single guys it's not quite the same.  It can creep up on you.  I had one client who lives all the way up in Scotland, a good 8 hours from me.  We met twice on two different occassions for bookings and after the second booking he decided that he could not book me again, as it felt wrong and he didn't like that he had to pay when he kept forgetting it was  a transaction, because it felt right and I guess it was messing with his head a bit.  I admit that I was disappointed as I had enjoyed our time together and to be honest we had spent a lot more time than the booking allowed, because my location in Edinburgh was wrong and I wasn't getting any bookings in, so we met up for dinner and he showed me round a bit.  We had a really good time together.

My next visit was to Glasgow and we found time to go out to dinner (non work) and we had a really good time again and since it was not a paid for experience it stopped at that.  We kissed good bye and I admit I wished he had booked me, because it would have felt right if we had ended up in bed together, but he didn't so that was that. He on the other hand may have felt the same, but didn't want to feel that there had to be a money transaction in order for me to bed him.  The problem is, if I had then things would have moved on to another level and I can't have that.  I need to stay focussed on my work and I don't want to be thinking about one person and let's face it, we don't live close to each other.  In my mind the perfect solution is for him to book me so we can have all the fun without getting too  close.

I suppose in many ways that makes me selfish?  I don't want to get too close to him, so therefore he should pay me and I don't like it when I see he is paying to sleep with other Escorts.  I don't understand why it is ok for him to pay and see other girls and yet he can't with me?  I suppose that is something that one of you guys might be able to explain to me?

Not being the type to say nothing I have messaged him and he has come to the conclusion that we should just meet up now and again and go out to dinner together, but we have tried this and judging by my reaction it isn't going to work.  I feel like he is denying me something that could be pretty awesome due to our connection and giving it to someone else.  We are more than just friends in the sense that we do have a sexual connection and where he might be able to deny it, I can't.

So... I won't have sex without payment and he won't pay me for sex.  Neither of us is right and neither of us is wrong.  No one is being nasty or stepping out of line, but it brings up so many emotions & frustration.  I have to ask myself, would I be in this situation with any other job?  I very much doubt it.  Is this more to do with the distance or the job that I am doing?  I mean I have maintained up until now that I could not date while doing this job, as it would be far too compromising and yet I have met Escorts that are happily married and do it.  I've seen their interaction with their partners and it's quite enviable and lovely.  There is also the point that he probably wouldn't want to date an Escort and couldn't cope with the fact that I am working with other men.

This then begs the question.  Do Escorts that already have a solid relationship make better Escorts than us volatile single Escorts?

It's funny as my mind is often in a quandry.  This may have escalated a little further than most situations, but it is by no means a one off.  I often find myself in situations where a client feels a connection and because they are not used to feeling that way they take it to heart and want to get closer.  I'm often finding myself needing to take a step back.  Thinking about it I guess it is only natural that now and again I'm going to need to vent and let all the emotion out.  Like cleaning the slate before starting all over again.  It's quite surprising how someone who has often thought of herself as being totally incompatible with anyone can find herself being compatible with so many.  Perhaps I'm not as different to other people as I thought I was.

Before Escorting I spent most of my life outside of marriage on my own.  I rarely dated and the dates never seemed to work out.  In retrospect I think this was less about me and more about my situation.  I was a young Mum working in a world of women.  I didn't go out in the evenings and still wondered why I never met anyone.  Then I started to think that I was incompatible to anyone, too set in my ways and not attractive.  How foolish was I?

Looking at the positive side (which is something I always try to do) at least now I know that I am compatible with many different people on different levels, that I'm not unattractive, at least there will always be men that are attracted to me and I'm not set in my ways, as I am dealing with new situations every day of my life.

People often complain about how much money Escorts get paid, but believe me when you think of all the things we have to go through to remain professional, keeping our sanity, emotionally stable, our safety and the stigma attached.  It all adds up. 

Another thing that I personally find difficult to bear is the total lack of respect that some people seem to have for sex workers.  They assume it is an unskilled job and one that does not require brain power.  How wrong are they!  I use far more skills working as in Independent than I have done in most previous jobs and I'm qualified beyond degree level.  I'm not that clever, more of a hard worker, but still I have shown I am able to use my brain and do on a daily basis.  To be able to interact with different people at different levels every day is not easy and not anyone could do this.  Advertising is a huge part of the job.  If no one knows about you, then you're not going to be making a living out of it.  In my case I travel a lot and have to organise schedules, hotels, apartments etc.  I'm a PA as well!

In my last job I was able to hold my head up high, it was a respected job, but just wasn't paying enough and it got me into debt.  This job I work much harder at and it is getting me out of debt.  In many ways I'd like to have my back patted and told that I'm doing well and appreciated for the work I am putting in to straighten out the problems, but it won't happen, because I can't tell anyone and again, that is frustrating.

I'm not sure why writing is so theraputic, but it is and I do feel a lot better after getting that off my chest.  Before I stop though, I want to reassure a few of my friends out there, that this little wobble has nothing to do with our friendships and they don't mean any less, just because I allowed myself to feel hurt for a while.  I need to learn to deal with situations that are very real emotionally and it's not always easy.  I needed to purge this out of my system and writing this has really helped.

Now I could really do with some tlc if anyone has any going spare.

Kate x