Sex Workers have no dignity, and sex workers working of their own free will, make it worse for those who don't want to be a sex worker!

Today I watched a debate televised on ITV as below.

In a nutshell, there was some some debate on the idea that sex workers, who worked by choice were responsible for trafficking and had a responsibility to stop, so others were not forced to work against their will and that anyone working as a sex worker, should be pitied or ashamed, regardless of their motive for doing so.  There was a general assumption that sex workers had no other options.

These are the topics that I would like to discuss in this blog.

Does anyone ever work as a sex worker by choice?

Yes of course they do.  It's a job that can be very lucrative, or beneficial in terms of flexibility and hours needed to be worked in order to fulfill financial goals, be that short term or long term.  Those goals may be of immediate need, be it owing money, paying a bill or in some cases wanting to feed a habit, however this pre-conception that for the majority it is to feed an addiction is very wrong and slightly pre-historic.  Since the advent of the internet and ability to work totally independently, many sex workers simply want to take the financial day to day pressures off in a way that disrupts their normal life as little as possible.

Personally I already had a job, but I was falling short around £100 per Month and this was starting to mount up and then one of my pets fell ill and I needed to pay vet bills, to provide the best care I could for her.  I looked at my options and my skill base (I have a University Degree) and although it was something I didn't fully understand or appreciate.  I decided that the sex industry may help me bridge the financial gap.  This started with selling raunchy pictures on a website.  It was a natural progression along with greater understanding and discovering a friend of mine was working that led me to becoming an Escort.

Now... I am a home owner and I could have sold my house.  I had a spare room and I could have rented it out.  I could have looked for another job, but I needed flexibility to be available for my current work, which I did not want to stop at the time, so those were options I was not keen to do.  I thought that I would give it a try and if I am brutally honest, I decided that I would need to go to a swinging club for my own gratification (I had been swinging prior to starting for my own sexual needs), assuming that the work would be very one sided and unsatisfying sexually for myself.  After all, these people were paying to spend time with my body, not me... right?

Of course I was wrong, as clients are not dirty old men with no respect for women as the media would have you believe.  They are not the dregs of the earth, or ugly or any other stereotype given to them by the media and they didn't want to use my body, and walk away without speaking (yes this was the impression I got from the news and papers).  The reality is very different (at least in my experience).  I have mutual enjoyment with people who want to have mental and physical stimulation on an equal level with me (most of the time).  Sometimes it's not quite balanced, some times I don't actually have to do anything, other than enjoy the experience, or be pampered, or just chat and cuddle and laugh.

Clients often dress to impress, they shower before coming over and shower when they get to me.  They sometimes bring me gifts, pay me a little extra, give me books (I like to read), perfume, wine, chocolates etc, etc.  They treat me with respect and as an equal and in return I will do exactly the same to them and our dignity and self respect remains intact, as we know that we are both consenting, willing and happy to be together for that  period of time.  No one is using anyone, no one is abusing anyone and it is a moment of relaxation, enjoyment and often compassion.

So... are sex workers like myself responsible for the misery of others or trafficked women?

Based on the fact that my clients would be mortified if they thought that they were with someone working against their will, if they could see the pain in a girls eyes and were not able to converse with the lady on a level that reassured them, that she was there of her own free will, I would say absolutely not!  The kind of people that would not care if the person they meet is working against their will or not, would not come and see me.  They would not pay my fees, they would not get through the booking process on the phone with me. They would not be interested in keeping within my boundaries and respecting my boundaries,

This means that the majority of clients (in my experience) have no interest in being party to seeing a sex worker who did not give her consent.  Also, consent does not mean she has to be as utterly content with her work as I am.  It simply means it is their choice and they are not being coerced, pushed or driven to work against their will.  It may not be their first choice, but they have weighed up the pros and cons and decided that for them, sex work is the answer and they are comfortable to make that choice.  Through advertising on the internet, they are able to lay down the rules and work within their own comfort zone.  They see clients of an age they are happy to and only do things they are comfortable with.  Independent Escorts don't have to perform any sexual act they don't want to and no still means no! 

One lady said that she was 14 when she started and she was not coerced.  The thing is... she was underage and therefore that is illegal.  Who do you suppose let her down, so that she felt that was the right option for her?  Could it have been her family?  Could it be the system?  Was she in care and being abused?  Sex work is not for children and no woman or man that I have met, would advocate this, or take advantage of it.  We look out for each other and ideally would work in pairs to keep safe, but the law as it stands today does not allow this.

Some Sex Workers don't like what they are doing, so sex work should be banned! 

It's a job like the fire service, the army or being a nurse.  You have to have the right personality, skill base and attitude to be able to do it and enjoy it.  If we were all the same, then how would you ever decide what job to do?  Just because it is a 'specialist' job, does not mean that people that work in the profession can not get fulfillment from their work or be good at it. 

It annoys me when people don't accept difference and how we are not all the same and with any job, you will get people working in jobs that they are not well suited to, that they shouldn't be in, where others excel and do well.  Sex work is no different.  There are many people stuck in jobs they don't want to be in after realising it's not for them.  I have a relative who is an accountant and hates it.  She trained to do the job and has been doing it for decades, but she has been trying to find alternative work for several years now.  Is that not the same as some people stuck in sex work? 

Is it fair to blame those that are best suited to the job, for those that are not?  

People start sex work for many reasons.  Some desire the glamourous idea of Belle De Jour (As in the series shown on TV) Link to Belle De Jour, others see it as a cash cow and many do it because it is the quickest means to money and self preservation.  They may later down the line realise that they are not happy with the reality, or they can't disconnect themselves emotionally, but still need to work and still need the money; but this is no different to many others in other occupations and you may say, that it is different, as they don't need to be intimate, but believe me, things that fuck with your mind, are equally if not more dangerous to a persons health and well being.  

How many working for the bank have committed suicide?  How many nurses and doctors have been abused at work and wish they didn't have to go into work on a daily basis in case it happens again?  How many having joined the army experience horror, loss of limbs or shell shock?  Sex Work does not have the monopoly with people who wish they could change jobs, or those keeping secrets, or those sticking to a job they don't love just for the money.  Millions of people do it every day, but few actually get paid as much, or can afford to work minimum hours for the same financial results, so they don't have to do it too often.  There are many jobs that are psychologically damaging.

 Sex work is just a job!

Despite how you may feel sexually, morally or emotionally, this does not mean it is the same for everyone else faced with sex work as an option.  Sex work does not have to be demeaning, it does not have to represent a lack of dignity or morals.  I hold my head up high because I am not signing on every Week.  I'm paying my own way, I'm contributing to society and my family and I'm paying taxes.  Morally, work is work and I don't call my clients and bring them to me, so I don't carry any of the moral dilemmas they may have with their situation.  I am simply providing a service and when the door closes behind them, they have to live with their choice, as I'm no longer in the equation.  However, spending time with me is one moral judgment they should not be facing, as I give my full consent, as do many others.

When I am not working I am doing the same as most other people, if not more, as I have more free time to achieve my goals.  I have hobbies and studies, I enjoy travelling and cooking, music and films amongst other things.  I have friends and family and lots of outside interests.  I am a 'normal' person.

Most sex workers start before the age of consent 

The lady that started working at 14 suggested that most sex workers start working under the age of consent.  I think I have only ever met one or two that have told me this was the case for them, although I have met many who have started in later life, or due to studies  with further education or to feed their families.  I am friends with a lady who used to work the streets in Dublin over 20 years ago (well retired now) and she says that there were no young girls where she was working and if there had been any, then the other ladies would have helped them out, got them off the street and did what they could to find other avenues of financial support.  As it was, this didn't happen.

Personally I was in my late 30's when I started and I was 31 before I ever had an orgasm.  I was 18 when I first had sex and I was in a relationship, it was not a one night stand or anything like that and I had a relatively happy childhood with a wonderful Mother and Grandparents.  I did not feel in anyway sexually abused, or repressed and it was more a matter of 'nature calling' telling me I needed to make hay while the sun shines that led me to find sexual partners and rediscover my body after 3 years of celibacy.

Of course I believed that I needed to be dating to get this sexual gratification, as again this is what religion and the media would dictate, but nature does not recognise this and I soon discovered that there were people willing to say anything in order to satisfy their urge for sex and this was the closest to feeling a victim I have ever got, where men would tell me what I wanted to hear in order to get me into bed with them and then vanish.  I decided to take control of the situation, as rather than being upset that the man didn't want to date me, I felt frustrated that after being sexually dormant I now was sexually aware and wanting and the person I had selected to satisfy this urge had gone, believing I wanted more.

I wonder how many woman are seduced in this way?  How many are tricked into sex, believing there is more to come, when the other person has no intention of dating or seeing them again?  Surely it would be better that guys in need of sex see a sex worker who knows the score, with it all being open and above board and no expectations beyond the time booked and full consent given?

I decided to take control of my situation and as I couldn't find anyone to date, as finding a life partner is not easy and shouldn't be a matter of 'making do' in order to fulfill sexual urges, I made the decision to become a swinger and indulged in sexual encounters around once a month without the commitment.  It was exactly what I needed and as a woman I was spoilt for choice.  Unfortunately the same options are rarely available to men, which is why they often resort to underhand behaviour.

Sex workers do not deserve the stigma that they receive.  Most do not have addictions, bad habits, lack of self respect, they don't hurt anyone, they don't ruin marriages, or take husbands from their wives.  They are simply doing a job that can help another person in many ways.  For one thing, having a regular sex life can give you up to 10 years longer life span, due to the hormones released (oxytocin) relaxing, de-stressing and feeling of well being generally, by being with someone who makes you feel good about yourself, takes notice and listens.

You only get one shot at life and life is for living.  We all deserve to live our lives the way we want to, as long as we are not directly hurting anyone and their is full consent.  We all have the right to do what we want with our own body and mind and I am happy to be currently working as a sex worker, because for me it is building the steps to my future and a life that I could never achieve without it.  I respect it for what it has given me, the good it has already helped me achieve and I find it incredulous that others dismiss me and the opportunities in front of me due to my job as a sex worker.  

Would I do things differently if I could do it all again?  

Yes I would have been a sex worker a decade earlier and not got into debt with student loans as a mature student.  I wouldn't have had to work 2 part-time jobs that left me sleeping in lectures, when I should have been listening and handing my child over to my Mum to be cared for while I worked for a pittance to make ends meet.  Life would have been a lot easier for everyone concerned and I may have got a better grade had my eyes been open during those lectures, where my body gave up on sitting in the same place for more than 5 minutes in a warm room.  Living on pro-plus to get essays done is not great and not necessary when you can fund yourself with a few hours work here and there as a sex worker.  If only I had not believed the media stereotypes of the type of women that worked in this industry (that I avoided like the plague for many years) and the type of men that would be my clients. 

Will I leave sex work and if so why? 

Yes I will.  I am now in my 40's and I would like to settle down with someone I have fallen in love with.  This job carries with it a lot of secrets and hiding truths from people that you love.  Not because of guilt or embarrassment, but to protect the ones that you love from the stigma and their own ignorance, as they would not understand, in the way that I didn't before I started.  I don't want my partner to have to be looking over his shoulder all the time and wondering if someone has met me as a client, if his family might find out and if that may upset elderly parents etc.  I would like to be able to talk to him about my day at work and do the things that couples do without dealing with other people's prejudices.

Also, having an active brain I have enjoyed studying and would like to put the new skills I am learning to good use.  I feel I have learned a lot about business while being self employed as a sex worker, and I would like to use these skills in my future career.  A career that would allow me to be closer to family and friends and be open again.  I am monogamous by nature, so it would be the natural progression to be monogamous to the man I love, so this is my goal and one that I look forward to reaching. 

Often a job can have a time limit, be a stepping stone if you like.  People grow out of their jobs, they can be a stop gap, or a vocation.  For me sex work was never going to be forever and re-training was always part of the deal for me.  That has no bearing on the significance of the job for me though, or how much I have enjoyed doing it.  I have met some wonderful people, both in the industry and as clients.  I cherish some of the memories I have collated and I have made some firm friends.  However, like all good things, they tend to come to an end and one day I will move on to another chapter of my life.  Likely I will miss it at times, but I have a lot to look forward to with my future, which I hope will be equally exciting and exhilarating.  

Having achieved so much by myself is something I am very proud of and sex work has been largely instrumental in that. I wouldn't be in the position I am in today, with a bright future ahead of me, if I had not been able to turn to sex work.  It has treated me well and served a purpose.  Who has the right to take that option away from others like myself?  What alternative are they going to give them?  Since when has an adult needed to be told what they can do with their body and made to feel responsible for the misery of others for their personal choices?  Sex is not evil, it is not ugly or abuse, it's the union of two people, a form of expression and a joy.  The only things that should really matter here are the words 'consent' and ' safety' and yet they keep getting swept aside in the name of moral crusades and fake figures on trafficked people that can't be supported by real statistics gathered.

Isn't it time we faced facts and stopped looking for trouble?  People do want to be sex workers and people do want to engage with sex workers.  Laws are already in place to cover the criminal side of sexual abuse, so put more time, money and effort into them and leave the rest of us to get on with our lives.